Divorce Enablers

From AMCAP & Psychology Today.

You thought therapy would save your marriage? And all you got was divorce? Well, feel free to blame your therapist. That's because, for a long time, most therapists have been soft on divorce.

Few fields have played a bigger role in the evolution of America's mental health care system than couples therapists. These days, roughly one million American couples a year seek counselling to save their marriages or relationships. Many also attend pre-marital counselling.
Read the full article at Psychology Today.

De-Twilight Your Relationship

It is that time of year again, Twilight! The Twilight fans and moms are currently getting their Edward or Jacob fix at the local movie theater.

I may have once upon a time recommended the Twilight series as wholesome material, and as they way a man should treat a woman.  However, the more I am exposed to the series by the films and the synopsis from my wife, I question my original thinking.

Brothers & Sisters: How Our Siblings Make Us Who We Are

There was a great article in the National Post (October 22) about how our relationship with our siblings make us who we are.

The author makes some great points about how the dynamics of life's longest relationship influence us as we get older.  In a sense that how we learn to interact in the playroom of our own house is how we will interact in the playroom of life.

The article ends, hollywood-like, that the author still has long lasting relationships with their siblings.  But what I always ask is just because someone still has a relationship with their sibling, does that make them nice? Of course not.  We know siblings fight.  We know personalities clash.  We know people can be toxic.  Sometimes I feel that it takes even more effort to de-friend a sibling due to toxicity than it does to maintain a relationship. So just because someone is or isn't friends with their siblings is the litmus test for being nice, it is the coping mechanisms developed, and the reactions to stress that make someone nice.

Nonetheless, as the title suggests "siblings make us who we are" despite the quality of the relationship.

What if all that’s left is what you are grateful for?

With the season of Thanksgiving upon us, it is a wonderful time to reflect on the many reasons we should be grateful. Sometimes I think we don’t take seriously all of the things we can and should be grateful for. We state that we are “grateful” as if we are trying to win a Miss Universe pageant. It sounds corny and fluffy. We forget to encompass the grandness of what we are grateful for. What would you have tomorrow if you woke up with only what you are grateful for? What would be left in your home, life or planet?

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Read the rest at the Battleford's News Optimist.

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous Loss is a term formed by Pauline Boss.  Here is a clip of her discussing her term and her book.



Thanks to NCFR for posting this in their Zippy newsletter.

Can I Really "Forgive & Forget"?

This, I feel, was a brilliantly written article by Jon Swinton, and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.  He attempts to address the topic of letting go and building.

I 100% agree with him about the adage of "forgive and forget", I hate it as well.

One thing not covered in the article is sometimes breaks to trust can be so damaging, so harmful, and so traumatic that it will be hard to even forget about on a daily basis, let alone forgive the perpetrator.  Sometimes breaks in trust kill a relationship.  So there is no point in resurrecting the relationship.  Know that that is an option as well.

However, if this a violation of trust that can eventually be repaired, follow the three steps/phases outlined by Swinton.

How to Understand Brain Differences Between Men and Women Better

Kevin Hinckley, and Licensed Professional Counsellor recently gave a presentation at BYU's education week.  He spoke on the differences between men and women's brains.

He eventually broke things down into key points of how men can better understand women and how women can better understand men.

• Women read and evaluate everything that men do including words, tone of voice, facial expressions, behaviour etc.
• Men are "fixers" and need to realize that women want to be listened to, not fixed.
• Women will keep up on men because they want to take care of you.  For example a wife will worry if her husband doesn't go frequently enough to the doctor's.
• Sometimes men do stupid things, where a woman may attribute the action as malice.  Women need to realize that men just think differently
• The man's brain is sometimes not equipped or attuned to pick up communication nuances, such as hint dropping.
• Allow men to go to their "Man Cave" so they can stew things over and better prepare themselves to solve the problem and cope with stress.

The full article review can be read here.

Children of Cohabiting Couples Fair Worse Compared to Married Couples

A recent study released showed that children of cohabiting couples have a greater risk for negative outcomes compared to children of a married couple.

The great question is why?  Most of the factors are similar between the two couples: living together, in a committed relationship, have children, sharing expenses, sharing wealth, etc.  However, for some reason because married mom and dad have a certificate of marriage their children are at a lower risk for having negative outcomes?  It is an interesting phenomenon.

I recall once having a University professor who called those who cohabit a different breed of human relationship expression compared to married couples.  It could be that cohabiting couples have a different way of expressing and showing love.

Now I am not at all saying cohabiting parents are terrible and married couples are exemplary.  Of course cohabiting couples can raise fantastic children, and married couples can corrupt theirs.

Women likely to suffer mental health issues after violence

Not to make light of this issue, but this was one of those studies that made me go "Really, we needed a study to come to the conclusion that women who suffer violence/abuse in their lives experience some type of mental health issue during their life, and that the more violence/abuse happened the more likely there is to have more mental health issues?"

Nonetheless here is the article talking about the study involving over 4,000 Australian women.

Affair advertised on Kijiji

I know I write about sustaining relationships, however, I came across this picture on Facebook and couldn't resist sharing it.

Bitterness can influence your health

Are you still hanging on to that grudge from when Suzy made fun of your clothes? Are you still blaming your previous boss for not giving you a big enough pay raise? Are you still bitter about a lot of things in life?

It turns out that your bitterness, negative emotions in general, can have a have negative impact on your organ functioning to also making your immune system less responsive and also making you more likely to contract a disease.

Read the complete article here in the Ottawa Citizen.

If bitterness is impacting, or even controlling your life, seek help in subduing those feelings.  Holding grudges and pursuing bitter moments can have long term affects, not just on your physical health as mentioned in the article, but also on your relationships with your spouse, kids, siblings, nieces, nephews, parents, grandparents, and so on.

How a rock pile is similar to our support system

I recently went to the park with my kids.  While at the park, my daughter built a “rock castle”, which is just large pile of rocks.  My assignment, given to me by my three year-old, was to drop rocks on the top of the pile, one at a time. I did. And I noticed something.  Sometimes a rock that I dropped would bounce right off of the top and dribble its way down the pile.  I could drop another rock in that exact same spot and it would land right on top of the pile, supported by the rocks around it.  I could take that rock that bounced, and drop it in one of the other piles created by my daughter, and it would stick.

Learning to recognize others in our lives

Today, let’s do a little exercise.  Don’t worry, not a physical one! I want you to use your imagination.  Let’s pretend you are the driver of a car.  You can have three other people in your vehicle.  I want you to choose three names.  They can be friends, family, coworkers or relatives.  Got them? Good.  Now assign one to front passenger side, one behind you, and the other on the rear passenger side. Assigned your seats? Fantastic! Now let’s go for a cruise!

Article Recommendation: Four ways to gain someones trust back

More Dr. Elia work.

Choosing to live in a circle rather than a box

As seen in the Battleford's Regional Optimist

I recently attended a conference for Marriage and Family Therapists in Saskatoon. I truly enjoyed my time. I love being able to network and meet new people. However, I love learning new things. So let me ask you, do you live in a box or a circle?

I would say I live in a box because I live in a house. But that’s not what I am talking about. What I am talking about is a system. Let me explain a little about each.

A circle system is a bunch of rings. Think of it as giant family campfire. In the centre is the creator, who ever that may be for you. The children are the first ring around the creator, women are second, who all support the children. Next are the men who are supporting the women in their work. The third ring is the elderly, providing wisdom and knowledge to those inside the circle. The fourth ring contains leaders of all sorts, political or spiritual, and also warriors or military.

I hope you can see this circle and how everyone is involved in supporting everyone, and how the children are the focus.

Now let’s move to a box system. Simply, imagine a school bus. Throw the children in the back seats. Place the women in the middle, and the men at the front. Notice how everyone is sitting in their seats facing forward. Everyone has their own spots and no one is to move or touch.

The box focuses on money, looking good, judging others, and asks the question ‘what is wrong?’ The most important part is to move the bus forward ignoring everything else, including the children in the back.

The circle asks what is true. It accepts, evaluates, and takes action. There is always a seeking to be in balance and in harmony with everyone in the circle. Everyone has value in the circle.

Does mom or dad drive to work every day ignoring the kids in the back?

Do you, as a parent, ask what is wrong with my child? Or do you ask what is my child doing well?

Are your children your focus? Or is it getting the next promotion?

When was the last time you spoke to your elders? Do you value them and their wisdom? Or are you sitting in the bus, just going forward?

Do you support your spouse? Or do they have their own set role which you think they can do on their own?

It is so easy to miss things when children are behind us. However, it is easier to see what is happening when they are in front of you.

In the circle there is love, caring, and nurturing.

Your family is what matters most. Let them know that you support them, and that they are not being brushed aside.

So I ask again, are you living in a box or a circle?

Article Recommendation: Shutting off an online world

I love this article. I believe it is a constant battle.

YouTube: Funeral - Imperfections