As a parent, and as a person who helps other parents, I
sometimes get sucked into the latest parenting trends, or the hottest parenting
tips. I want to somehow use someone else’s parenting success that they had with
their children on my own. Forgetting that my children and other parents’
children are unique individuals, and what works with one doesn’t necessarily
work with another.
My observation with these latest trends and tips is that if
you put them into a pot and boil them down to their main ingredients, they
relate back to ‘The Attitude’ that Dr. Daniel Hughes uses in his attachment
work. ‘The Attitude’ is being a parent who creates a safe environment for a
child by being: Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious and Empathetic; or PLACE.
Being playful
with a child means that as a parent you are willing to get down on the ground
and engage in the world of your child. But it also means at times disciplining
in a playful way. For example, when my daughter is mad and slams her bedroom door,
I tell her that it is a three slamming door. She will with rage slam the door
again, and again, and by the third time, she is still mad, but has a cheerful
smile.
Loving a child is
not always easy; especially when they have jammed crackers in the blu-ray
player, or spilled juice on your shirt. Showing tenderness and compassion in
those moments is important, especially during moments of correction. This is
the unconditional love that is often spoken about, which is separate from the
love that comes with trust.
Being accepting
of your child, is simply just that, accept them. Whatever the situation,
whatever their behaviour, accept them. They may be more into arts than you or
more into sports than you, accept them. Whatever they do or are, accept them.
This often leads to being curious about your child. If they like something, match their
interest with your curiosity about the topic. Or just be curious like they are
as they explore their world.
Empathy is being
able to understand a child’s current emotions from your own past experience or
putting yourself in their shoes, not to be confused with sympathy, which is
acknowledging the emotion with support. As an example, this means when a child
steps on Lego, instead of saying, “That must have hurt, next time you will
remember to pick those up so you don’t get hurt,” you’d say, with empathy, and
maybe even at eye level, “That hurts” and share the emotion.
If I may add one more that is being present (which probably
would happen on its own if you are using ‘the Attitude’). Sometimes in our
society we have to quickly jump to the latest sound or blinking light on our
mobile device. When we engage as parents using ‘the Attitude’ of PLACE, be
present. If you are putting your child to bed, be there with them. If you are
playing a game with them, be there.
Using PLACE is not always easy, but as you practice it, it
will come more naturally. The goal is to parent using ‘the Attitude’ more often
than not.
Let’s get back to the basics of parenting and keep it simple
instead of over complicating it by being: Playful, Loving, Accepting, Curious
and Empathetic.
