13 August 2015

How counselling works: Finding a natural, skilled helper

I am frequently asked by clients either before or during counselling, “How does counselling work?” I respond with the 40-30-15 rule created by Scott Miller. But before we get to that, it is important to understand what a counsellor’s background to better understand how the rule is applied.

A counsellor is part of the helping profession. A helper is anyone who looks after the mental and emotional well-being of their client. There are many kinds of helpers with varying degrees and credentials. There are counsellors, social workers, psychotherapists, therapists, marriage & family therapists, psychologists, coaches, and so on.

Typically individuals that pursue these paths have been told that they are “good listeners” because of their natural helping abilities. They then acquire education to build upon and hone their natural abilities. Some training programs are: less than a year, two years, four year degrees, two year master’s degree, or higher.

It is commonly recommended that private helpers seek both a professional body and regulatory body where available. A professional organization has the best interest of the helper in mind, whereas a regulatory organization has the best interest of the client/consumer in mind.  Both lend credentials to distinguish adequate training in helpers.

A helper, typically with less than two years training, is referred to as a natural helper, as they are relying on their natural abilities to have empathy and support. A skilled helper is a masters-level or higher trained therapist with the natural helping abilities, and typically is a member of a professional and/or regulatory body. However, an often missed category is a trained helper that doesn’t have the natural abilities to connect and form a relationship.

And this is where the 40-30-15 rule comes in.

There is such a focus on the technique and skill level of a helper, when only 15% of the effectiveness is dependent on their skill. Which is not to undermine its importance, you gain that 15% when the helper is skilled.

Therapy success has two large portions: the client (40%) – meaning their motivation and life influences; and the relationship (30%) between helper and client. The remaining 30% is a combination of hope (15%) and expectations (15%) that the helper sets.

A skilled helper, in theory, should be able to employ the relationship (30%), skill (15%) and hope (15%); which is 60% of the process, the rest (40%) is up to the client.

A natural helper, again in theory, should be able to employ the relationship (30%) and hope (15%); which is 45% of the process, bringing about as much to the process as the client (40%).

A trained helper without natural abilities should be able to employ the skill (15%) and hope (15%); which is 30% of the process, lacking the relationship. The client, in this scenario, brings more to the table (40%) than the helper.


With that, what makes counselling work? Ensuring that you as a client are ready for counselling and that you have found a naturally skilled helper that you are willing to work and build relationship with.

10 August 2015

10 ways to remain connected to your teen

This list comes from Psychology Today, and recommend going there for more depth.

  1. Bridge Differences with Interest
  2. Use Non-Evaluative Correction
  3. Stick to Specifics
  4. Value Arguments as Communication
  5. Welcome Adolescent Friends
  6. Provide Family Structure
  7. Stay Accessible for Listening
  8. Express Appreciation
  9. Support Adult Friendships
  10. Offer Positive Choice Points

05 August 2015

Six exercises for happiness

The following list comes from Shawn Achor's interview with CBC. Also check out his TED talk on Happiness.

1. Gratitude Exercises. Write down three things you're grateful for that occurred over the last 24 hours. They don't have to be profound. It could be a really good cup of coffee or the warmth of a sunny day.
2. The Doubler. Take one positive experience from the past 24 hours and spend two minutes writing down every detail about that experience. As you remember it, your brain labels it as meaningful and deepens the imprint.
3. The Fun Fifteen. Do 15 minutes of a fun cardio activity, like gardening or walking the dog, every day. The effects of daily cardio can be as effective as taking an antidepressant.
4. Meditation. Every day take two minutes to stop whatever you're doing and concentrate on breathing. Even a short mindful break can result in a calmer, happier you.
5. Conscious act of kindness. At the start of every day, send a short email or text praising someone you know. Our brains become addicted to feeling good by making others feel good.
6. Deepen Social Connections. Spend time with family and friends. Our social connections are one of the best predictors for success and health, and even life expectancy.

23 July 2015

Birth Month correlates with Overall Health

These are just correlations, but very interesting. Maybe it supports the Astrology movement after all?

21 July 2015

The positive & negative impacts on psychotherapists and their families

This is a great read for anyone considering entering the helping profession, especially psychotherapists (Master's level Counsellors, Therapists, Marriage & Family Therapists etc.). The paper is written by Ofer Zur and outlines the dangers and negative impacts on psychotherapists and their families; also highlighting the positives (but that list is not as long).

Negative Impacts:

1. Interpretation
2. Questioning and Inquiry
3. Emotional Draining
4. Distancing
5. Total and Uncritical Understanding
6. Labeling and Diagnosing
7. Demeaning Tales
8. Jealousy
9. Creating a Crisis
10. Anonymity and Confidentiality
11. The Home Office
12. Resistance in Therapy

Positive Impacts:

1. Knowledge
2. Training In and Practice
3. Psychologically Minded
4. Cautious Spontaneity
5. Positive Tales
6. Observing the Compassionate Therapist at Work

16 July 2015

The impact of stress and what to do about it


A couple of years ago when my wife was picking me up from a meeting, I broke my foot just by pivoting on a flat surface. It’s actually quite embarrassing. However, at this point in my life I was starting my second year of graduate school, my hours at work were in limbo, and I just came from a meeting where I was voted onto the board. I understand now, looking back, that I was under a lot of stress and was vulnerable to injury.

Stress is a word that receives a lot of attention, and usually negatively. People often say exhaustedly “I’m so stressed,” with their face in their palms, and then wonder what life would be like stress-free.

Actually, it doesn’t matter if the stress is positive, such as a wedding or buying a house; or negative like a deadline. To the body, stress is stress, even if it is expected. Stress is cumulative, a build up of the everyday wear and tear.

As stress builds up, there are some common symptoms: headaches, flushed face, stiff neck, difficulty breathing, stomach pangs, shaky legs, feet & hands, cramps, and pounding heart, just to name a few. When these symptoms hit, there is a loss in energy, increase vulnerability to illness and injury, and is often referred to as burn out, or rust out. It’s important to realize that burn out, while similar, it is also unique.

A common stress problem solving thought is to ‘remove’ the stressor. But if the stress is originating from parenting, work, relationships, health, and life milestones (i.e. graduation, marriage) – these are typically out of an individual’s control, and can’t be removed. There may be little things that contribute to the cumulative stress that can be lessened, but for the most part, it is best to change priorities and find activities that help you recharge and rejuvenate.

Activities that recharge and rejuvenate don’t need to be elaborate or lengthy; they can be little and short. Just a couple of ideas: going for a walk, reading a book, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, gaming (video or board), taking a bath, and the list could go on because each of us has different ways of recharging. Get creative; make it a priority to take care of yourself. Sometimes you may need to accommodate, such as going on a walk with your children or doing a yoga exercise with them.

But what is actually the most simplistic, yet shocking way, of dealing with stress, is changing our perception of stress. Changing it from being this yucky-negative thing to realizing and understanding that stress is something that everyone goes through, that we can learn from it and it helps us build our character. It is possible to have successful stressful situations.

In the end, research has shown that if we view stress through a positive perception, that alone can increase longevity, not to mention increase our overall wellbeing and health.