Book Recommendation: Playing With Fire

I don't think I have done a plug for this book, Playing With Fire by Theo Fleury.  I must recommend it, of course it must come with a little warning.  Theo Fleury is very blunt in writing and explaining his story.  He lets emotions go loose, which lets you feel how he felt.

I did get to meet Theo at a book signing in Saskatoon.  It was well worth the 2.5 hour wait to say to him: "Thanks for writing this book for my clients."  Since at the time I was a Counsellor at a Sexual Assault Centre, and I was trying to let my male clients know that they were not alone.  It is a must read to understand the effect abuse, especially sexual abuse, has on ones life.

If you don't have time to read, I do recommend you watch the Fifth Estate episode by CBC called The Fall and Rise of Theo Fleury.

Ask Dr. Elia: Can Love Be Rekindled?

Dear Dr Elia,

I have no feelings for my spouse anymore. I try to but we have grown apart. I am trying to be more interested, spend time and try to feel how I once felt. I am frustrated that I feel empty inside. Is there any way back? It would be a relief to not be married anymore, but I want to try before I go there.

Anonymous

Read Dr. Elia Gourgouris's response here.

Do Marriage Education Courses Work?

Having since recently run my own Daddy Class, I came across this blog of thought, discussing whether or not marriage courses work. That is do they provide long term results. Research has shown that these courses do provide short-term results.

This got me thinking if my course was effective. Of course, I would love to think it was. The feedback I received was all positive (except for the location). In the moment of the course, the participants felt they were getting useful information for parenting. However, how effective would what they learned be once the baby came along? I have no way of knowing.

The best judgement I can use is the old adage of: people will remember 10% if they read, 20% if they heard it, 50% if it was a discussion, and 90% if it is was a experience. It is sad to think of half of what was taught being forgotten.

This is why I emphasize in my class the support system web. I want individuals to be aware of who surrounds them, and who they can go to for help, and who is supportive. I let participants know that they are not the first person to have a first child, so there are a lot of people around them who can help.

Even though what is learned in class is of value, it is most important to rely on, and develop a supportive support system to help them get through the changes.

I would hope that aspect would help have long term effects, and just not short term.

I look forward to the research determining if such marriage classes (and other transition courses) are effective, because there sure are a lot of courses out there!

Being a Good Neighbour in Your Neighbourhood

While I was working one day, I saw a woman drive into a pole.  She flattened her tire and damaged the driver side of her car.  It was an unfortunate sight.  She was obviously frustrated and upset with herself.  Just as she was going to get out of her car, a herd of about 20 teens walked by who had seen her accident.  They heckled, laughed at, and mocked her.  It was embarrassing to watch, let alone being in her position.  This was sad, teens living up to their “stereotype”.

Let’s imagine for a moment if these 20 teens had offered their help in changing her tire.  Maybe even looking to be sure that she was okay.  Imagine the power in that. Twenty teens assisting a woman who was in an accident.  What do you think that woman’s view of teenagers would be?  And all of those that witnessed this? I bet it would be amazing!  Instead, she had to wait for assistance from a company.

This got me thinking.  How are we towards our neighbours?  Do we offer our services to them in a time of need?  Or do we let organizations help them out while we sit back and watch? Do you even know the name of your neighbour?  Have you even said ‘Hi’ to them?  Let’s break down those walls that divide us.

The first thing you can do is break the ice with food.  If you have children, bake cookies or some treat with them.  Wrap them up and take the snacks, and your children who helped make them, over to your neighbour.  Food is a miracle worker.  Try to drop off the baked goods when they are home.

You can also perform acts of service.  If you share a driveway, shovel it.  If you share a front yard, mow it, rake it, and respect it.  Wave to them, and say ‘Hi’ when you see each other in passing.

Maybe you haven’t been a nice neighbour.  Own up, apologize, and give an offering of reconciliation.  Don’t yell.  Say please and thank you.  Don’t swear.  Be polite and civil. If you are nice to other people, they in turn will be nice to you, eventually.

Imagine what a neighbourhood would be like if we were all civil to eachother.  Imagine if every time someone moved in, the neighbourhood brought baked goods and introduced themselves.  How much more do you think that would mean to the new family moving in?  It would bring a bigger welcoming feeling than Welcome Wagon (which does do a great job of bringing the communities services to the new family).  It means a lot more to get welcomed into a city by people than by businesses.

Maybe it is time for you to go say “Hi. My name is…” to your neighbour.  They just might end up being your new friends.

Remember You Are a Husband First

It is often fairly common in marriages that the children become the focal point of the relationship, and that the children are what hold the marriage together.

While it is important to spend time with your children, and invest in them, you need to spend time with your wife as well. You wouldn’t be the father you are, if you didn’t have your wife.

It is always a shame when men, when asked who they are, respond with a career position, followed by a church or volunteer position, than dad, and lastly (and sometimes not mentioned) husband. You are a husband, first and foremost. You need to love, care for, and nurture your relationship with your wife, the mother of your children. Again, you would not be a lot things in this world without the support of your wife.

There are several things that you can do to help you put your wife first:

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Read the rest of the article at Notes on Parenting or Essential Fathers.

Two Women Who Are Great Examples for Youth

I admire these two women greatly (yes their fame helped me find them, but they are great examples!). Lindsey Stirling and Torah Bright are great examples to youth, and both have shared their experiences recently.

Lindsey Stirling, the America's Gat Talent contestant who was recently voted off, writes about her feelings about being voted off the show.  She really provides an example of what matters most, and what is REAL in our lives. This can be found in her blog.

Torah Bright, the Olympic Gold Medalist in Half-Pipe Snowboarding, shares her views on letting kids be kids, and youth be youth.  She encourages youth to not grow up too fast.  This can be found on Otago Daily News.

Tips to get your Child Ready for Kindergarten

The transition to kindergarten can be quite an adjustment for children and parents.  Your little angel is now going to school.  Here are some steps, taken from education.com, to consider to prepare yourself for kindergarten.

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Read the entire post on Notes on Parenting or Essential Fathers.